First of all - we’re genuinely excited for you.

Getting married is a joyful and significant step. It’s a gift from God, and it deserves careful preparation. While a wedding day lasts a few hours, a marriage is designed to last a lifetime. We care deeply about helping you prepare not just for a ceremony, but for a covenant.

That’s why we do this.

Premarital counselling isn’t about ticking a box before the wedding. It’s about slowing down long enough to think deeply, talk honestly, and build intentionally. We want to help you begin your marriage with clarity, confidence, and a shared understanding of what you’re stepping into.

Marriage is one of God’s good gifts - but it exists in a real world. A world shaped by pressure, distraction, individualism, busyness, and brokenness. You won’t enter marriage as finished people. You’ll enter it as two sinners saved by grace, learning to love one another in everyday life. That’s not a weakness - that’s reality. And it’s why the Gospel must sit at the centre of everything we talk about.

Our goal is simple:

To help you build a marriage that reflects Jesus - not just on your wedding day, but in the ordinary, everyday life that follows.

Each week, you’ll be given content to work through before we meet.

Here’s the rhythm:

1. Work through the material individually.
   Read the content carefully and answer the discussion questions on your own first. Be honest. Don’t write what you think you “should” say - write what you actually think and feel.
2. Have a discussion date together.
   Before our next meeting, schedule intentional time to share your answers with one another. Pay close attention to areas where your answers are significantly different - those are usually the most helpful conversations.
3. Meet with us.
   When we meet, we won’t simply repeat the content. Our role is to help facilitate and shepherd you through what surfaced - celebrating unity, clarifying misunderstandings, and gently applying biblical wisdom where needed.

We’re not here to lecture you.
We’re here to walk alongside you.

Above all, we want you to know this:

A healthy marriage isn’t built on compatibility alone. It isn’t sustained by chemistry. It isn’t protected by good intentions.

It is sustained by the grace of Jesus at work in two humble hearts.

And that’s what we’re praying for you.

You should have been asked to bring along your birth certificate, passport (if you have one) and driver's license to your first session.

We will take a digital copy of each of these, so we can use the details to complete the Notice of Intended Marriage (NOIM) form. 

There is no pressure to read any or all of these books straight away, but they will be a blessing to you when you do! 

Married For God by Christopher Ash.  Getting the right perspective on Christian marriage.

The Meaning Of Marriage by Tim Keller. 

Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make by Paul David Tripp. 

Sacred Marriage by Gary L. Thomas.  Quickly becoming a classic.  It will help you see that marriage is more about developing your holiness than your happiness.

MONEY – God or Gift by Jamie Munson.  Solid book on financial matters.

Living a Cross-Centred Life by C.J. Mahaney. How to live in response to the Gospel every day.

The Gospel for Real Life by Jerry Bridges.

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”
‭‭- Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭24‬ (‭NLT‬‬)

While the bulk of these sessions will be to encourage you to prepare for your marriage, the party of your wedding day is the starting line! A wedding is a great time to celebrate. You invite your family and friends to join in on your excitement and to rejoice with you. It should be a time to gather to celebrate that God has called you together to be one in marriage. It allows you to publicly vow before God and witnesses to become husband and wife. A father gives his daughter into the hands of her betrothed. A man vows to faithfully care for his bride as a cherished wife. A woman vows to lovingly care for her groom. It is a precious moment.

A potential downside is that it can also be exhausting and expensive if things get out of hand. It is important to keep thinking about the wedding ceremony in the proper perspective. You want to remember the primary reason for the event and not lose perspective of the more important things that are taking place at the wedding. You may be inundated with decisions and details in planning for the wedding. You may be overwhelmed with pressure as the day approaches. Keep reminding yourself of the primary purpose of the day. Try to relax and enjoy your family and friends. Let others help or handle as many of the details as possible, especially on the wedding day. Some plans may not work out as you wanted them to, but that’s OK. You need to be flexible. The more pressure you place on everything working out perfectly, the more stressful the day will be. Avoid the trap of letting minor details rob you of your joy.

The bride and groom usually have different expectations for the day. You may be able to help one another in keeping the day and event in perspective. Often, the bride and her family handle much of the planning. You should both be actively involved in the decisions so that you feel it is a shared event.

Much advice about wedding ceremonies is readily available. This abundance of wedding advice is often problematic because too many options or shared opinions can create confusion for the couple. Remember your families as you consider the day. As you plan the wedding ceremony, always keep in mind the priority of what you are doing and why you are doing it.

The pastors at Disciples Church welcome your input into the wedding ceremony. There are certain legal requirements for a wedding, and there are certain rites that need to be used, but there is still some flexibility. Disciples Church Springfield is a member of the Fellowship of Independent Evangelical Churches Australia (FIEC). FIEC has an order of service for the wedding ceremony, which needs to be followed by the pastors of DC. Couples can select the music and a Bible reading or two, as well as give input on the length of the message within the ceremony. There are options to add other elements to make the ceremony a bit more personal if you would like to do so. Feel free to chat it through with us.

Take a look at the generic form here.

Venue: There is much flexibility as to where you can be married. There seems to be an endless number of indoor and outdoor venues that you can hire. It could be at the home or a property of a family member, or a friend. Some Churches even hire out their buildings, but sometimes they have restrictions, which may mean a DC pastor cannot conduct the wedding.

Music: The use of music is a great way to personalise the wedding ceremony. You have the prelude (music as people are being seated), the processional, solos, hymns/songs, recessional, and post-service music to choose from. You also usually have a number of options regarding the instruments you want to incorporate into the service. Work with the church, family and friends to make these decisions.

Scripture Readings: You may want to incorporate into the ceremony some passages that have been particularly meaningful to you. Here are a few passages you might like to consider as readings:

• Genesis 2: 18 - 25
• Ruth 1: 16b - 17
• Psalm 27: 1 - 8, 11 - 14
• Psalm 139: 1 - 24
• Ecclesiastes 4: 9 - 12
• Song of Solomon 8: 6 - 7
• Jeremiah 9: 23 - 24
• Ezekiel 36: 24 - 27
• 1 Corinthians 13: 1 - 13
• Ephesians 3: 14 - 21
• Ephesians 4: 1 - 6
• Ephesians 5: 22 - 33
• Philippians 2: 1 - 11
• Colossians 3: 12 - 17
• 1 John 4: 7 - 19

We look forward to chatting through this with you during our next session together!

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”
‭‭- Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭24‬ (‭NLT‬‬)

The reason for discussing the purpose of marriage is to anticipate the commitment you will be making in marriage. Your perspective of what marriage is, and of what a husband and wife should be, can come from your parents, family, other relationships you have seen, popular culture and perhaps what you read in God’s Word. You and your fiancé have had different experiences. Hopefully, your separate perspectives on marriage will overlap a great deal. As followers of Jesus, we want our understanding of marriage to be informed by God’s Word. A common standard from which you are both working is essential. Knowing what the Bible says about God’s plan for marriage will help you discern what is good, right and true, and filter out views which may not be beneficial for you.

Let’s start with some questions to discover what your understanding of marriage is.

1. Briefly describe a healthy marriage.
2. Where do you think your definition of a healthy marriage has been most shaped - family, culture, social media, church, Scripture?
   
3. What is the primary purpose of marriage?
4. Is marriage a contract?  Why or why not?
5. What commitments do you make when you take marriage vows?
6. When and where did the institution of marriage originate?

Scripture teaches that God’s good design for marriage was instituted from the very beginning!

In Genesis 2:15-25 it is described:

God joins a man and woman together as one (Matthew 19:6; Genesis 2:24) in life-long unity, a covenant of love and responsibility. Marriage, the leaving of father and mother, holding fast to a spouse and becoming one flesh, is a portrayal of the covenant between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Marriage ultimately exists to display the covenant-keeping love between Jesus and His people.

Marriage is a covenant, a relationship between two people who make binding vows to each other and work together to reach a common goal. They’re often accompanied by oaths, signs and ceremonies. They define obligations and commitments, but they are primarily relational and personal. A covenant is different to a contract. To keep a vow does not mean to keep from breaking it. If that were the case, marriage vows would be broken the day they were made. This is where a vow differs from a promise or a resolution. A resolution, once broken, must either be forgotten or made again. But a vow retains its power and validity irrespective of conduct. It is not like the signing of a legal contract, nor is it like any other form of human promise. A person cannot promise to love another person; he can only vow to do so.  A vow is, per se, a confession of inadequacy and an automatic calling upon the only adequacy there is, which is the mercy and power of God.

Biblical marriage is one man and one woman, choosing to enter into a formal relationship by binding themselves to one another in lifelong faithfulness and devotion, dependent on the faithfulness of God.

A long-term, vibrant marriage needs to be grounded in something far sturdier than romance - it needs the life-changing power of the Gospel!

Marriage, being a reflection of the Gospel, means that it is one of the most incredible opportunities you will ever experience to see the good news of Jesus flourish in your heart and in your life. Growing in intimacy as you walk alongside one another provides many moments to extend grace, offer forgiveness and see so clearly the goodness of God displayed in the one you love. Knowing who Jesus is and how He loves you and knows you fully will enable you to love like you never knew you were capable of. The Gospel is the bedrock foundation for a healthy marriage filled with joy, no matter the circumstances of your life.

Scripture gives us some essential wisdom perspectives that enable us to have realistic expectations for living out covenantal love in marriage.

First, there is the reality that you are conducting your marriage in a fallen world. Genesis 3 teaches us clearly that our marriages exist in the middle of a world that doesn’t function as God intended. The consequences of sin and the brokenness of the world will touch your marriage. You will face trials and troubles, but you will never be without help or hope in Jesus.

Second, is that you are a sinner who is married to a sinner. Compatibility does not remove sin. Chemistry does not eliminate selfishness. All of us have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23). Both of you bring something into your marriage that is destructive to what a marriage needs, and it’s sin. You will hurt one another with your weaknesses and failings. When we realise this, we can access the humility we need in order to reach out for the help Jesus so graciously offers us.

Because our final perspective from Scripture is that God is a faithful, powerful and willing Saviour. God sent His son, Jesus, to defeat sin and death by his crucifixion and resurrection, just as He promised He would do centuries earlier when Adam and Eve disobeyed in the garden. God was faithful to crush wrong once and for all time, fulfilling every prophecy and offering rescue to His wayward people. Jesus’ empty tomb reminds us of His power. He has all authority and strength, and He uses it to save us because of His great love for us. He delights in rescuing us, and He was willing to do it. His willingness was not motivated by what He saw in us, but by who He is. He is willing because He is the source of all love, full of amazing grace. He is willing because He is good, gentle, patient and kind. Jesus has made a way for us to experience forgiveness of sin and a restored relationship with God. We can know freedom and security in the love and righteousness of Christ.

This means we can be honest about our sin. We can stand in our weakness, in the brokenness of our world and know that we are not alone, and not without hope because we belong to a God who is faithful, powerful and willing. God is with us in our marriages, giving us everything we need to love one another as we live dependent on His grace.

The Gospel does not merely forgive your past; it actively reshapes your present. Through the Holy Spirit, God produces new desires, new reactions, new instincts. Marriage becomes one of the primary environments where that transformation is revealed.

The Apostle Paul was writing to Christians in the following two passages. He addressed the implications of being loved by God and the results of the Holy Spirit’s working in the life of the believer.

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”
‭‭- Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭24‬ (‭NLT‬‬)

As you anticipate your life together as husband and wife, it is important to talk about roles and responsibilities. However, it is dangerous to look at roles and responsibilities as duties to fulfil and obligations to perform. It is healthier and more biblical to understand marriage as a calling. The man is called by God to be the husband of his wife. The woman is called to be the wife of her husband.

How does this calling impact roles, responsibilities, and decision-making in your relationship? That is the question we will explore in this session.
What does the Bible teach about the calling of the husband? What does the Bible teach about the calling of the wife?

The picture of a man and a woman united in marriage is that of oneness. You are a team of two who together have become one. You become a part of one another. The attitude, motives, and actions of each spouse affect the team. In marriage, a husband needs to see his wife as a part of himself, as a part of his own body. A wife needs to see her husband as a part of herself. You need to cherish your spouse and look at your spouse as a precious gift from God. Include your spouse in your life. Open up and receive the other. Consider your attitude to your own leg or arm. It is vital to you, and you depend on it. You nurture it when it is injured or weak. You grieve the loss of the use of your leg while you create an environment to allow it to heal. Your spouse is much more precious than your own leg! Cherish him or her as such!

1. What does it mean to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5: 21)?

2. The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. To understand how the husband is to be “head” of the wife, you need to understand how Christ acted and acts as head of the church! How does he act according to these verses (Ephesians 5: 25-28)?

3. In light of the comparison of the husband being the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, what is the husband supposed to do for his wife?

4. The husband is supposed to lead in setting the standard of love and sacrifice in the marriage relationship. What is Christ’s idea of leadership? (Mark 10: 42 - 45)

5. How does the church submit to Christ?

6. What does this passage teach about a wife submitting to her husband?

7. A man may have a tendency to dominate his wife physically and through intimidation. This is why Paul concluded the passage by reiterating that a man should not dominate, but love. What happens to oneness when a man dominates his wife?

8. A woman may have a tendency to dominate her husband verbally and by shaming or belittling him. This is why Paul taught that a woman is not to dominate but to respect her husband. How is oneness hurt when a woman dominates her husband?

9. What do both spouses need to do to make the marriage work? (Philippians 2: 1 - 4)

Here are some questions about topics and issues that might come up and cause friction as you settle into your life together. Again, the purpose is to facilitate helpful conversation so you can begin married life well-informed.

1. What will it look like in your marriage for the husband to be the spiritual leader of your home?

2. What are your views on working and providing financially? Will you both work after the wedding? Do you have strong feelings about mothers staying home with young children?

3. Who will be responsible for household duties, and how will that be decided?

4. Will you plan and manage money matters together?

5. If you have children, how will you handle the responsibility to care for them? How many children do you think you would like to have? Do you have strong opinions on issues of discipline?

6. Will you continue to go out on dates after you are married?

7. How will you handle relationships with other friends?

8. How important is it to have meals together as a couple? As a family?

9. Do you have any family traditions you hope to begin or carry on in your family?

10. How will you be involved in your extended families? What expectations for involvement do you anticipate your families have for you as a couple?

11. How quickly do you make decisions? How about your fiancé?

12. Who made most of the decisions in your home as a child?

13. What will you do when you are at an impasse and a decision must be made? Will you wait until you are in agreement before you act?

14. When do you find it difficult to make decisions? What areas are tougher for you?

15. When are you overly cautious in decision-making? When have you not used enough caution?

Every one of us walks into marriage with hopes.

Some are beautiful and healthy.
Some are unspoken and unrealistic.
Some we’re not even aware of until they’re disappointed.

Your expectations about marriage have been shaped over the years, most likely by the household you grew up in. But your family, friendships, church experience, social media, culture, past relationships, and personal desires will all also influence your expectations. 

This may seem obvious, but certainly needs to be acknowledged: you and your fiancé have not been shaped in exactly the same way.

That’s not a problem — but it is worthy of conversation.

Unspoken expectations are often the seeds of future frustration. Many early marriage conflicts aren’t about major sin issues — they’re about mismatched assumptions.

This session is about bringing those expectations into the light.

You won’t be able to identify every hope or assumption you carry. In fact, some expectations only reveal themselves when they’re not met. But this exercise will help you move toward clarity, humility, and understanding before you say your vows.

Do your best to articulate your hopes, but remember - the point of this exercise is just to facilitate conversation and make sure you’ve had an opportunity to communicate well.
The goal isn’t to critique one another. It’s to understand one another.

Below is a list of expectations people commonly bring into marriage. Some may resonate strongly with you; others may not.
Use this list to help spark your thinking.

• Affection
• Sexual fulfilment
• Deep conversation
• Recreational companionship
• Honesty and openness
• Financial stability or provision
• Domestic partnership and shared responsibilities
• Family closeness
• Admiration and affirmation
• Spiritual leadership or spiritual harmony
• Vulnerability and emotional safety
• Fidelity and loyalty
• Shared values and long-term goals
• Mutual respect
• Regular communication
• Forgiveness and grace
• Sensitivity and responsiveness
• Feeling chosen and prioritised
• An attractive spouse
• Humility 
• Closeness without inhibitions                                    
• Intellectual agreement on major issues
• Acceptance without rejection
• Submission to God and His will 
• Forgiveness
• Listening to one another

As you think about your hopes and expectations for marriage, you might think about marriage relationships you have observed, beginning with your parents.

• Are there qualities you hope to emulate from those relationships? 
• Are there things you desire to avoid?

Individually, write down:

• Some hopes and expectations you have regarding your marriage
• One or two fears you have about marriage.
• One expectation you think might be unrealistic — but still feel deeply.

Be as specific as possible.

After you’ve both completed your lists, schedule time to share and discuss them together.

After reading each other’s lists, work through the following:

1. What surprised you most about your fiancé’s expectations? Why?
2. Where do your expectations overlap strongly? Where do they differ?
3. Are there expectations your fiancé holds that feel heavy or intimidating to you?
4. How do you typically respond when your expectations are not met — do you withdraw, criticise, become defensive, try harder, shut down?
5. What is the danger of placing unspoken expectations on your spouse?
6. How can expectations subtly turn into demands?
7. Why is it healthier to focus on the kind of spouse you want to become, rather than the kind of spouse you expect to receive?

These aren’t theoretical — they’re normal life realities.

Talk through them honestly:

• How will you handle holidays (Christmas, birthdays, family events)?
• How important are celebrations and gifts to you personally?
• How flexible are you when plans change?
• Who tends to be more emotionally sensitive? How does that show up?
• Are you more easily disappointed in yourself or in others?

Marriage includes seasons you can’t predict or control.

Which of the following would be particularly difficult for you — and why?

• Financial strain or job loss
• Not being able to purchase a home
• Living with or near in-laws
• Living far from family
• Attraction outside the marriage
• A spouse travelling regularly for work
• Infertility or miscarriage
• An unexpected pregnancy
• Chronic illness
• Legal or relational crisis
• Spiritual disengagement
• Sexual disconnect
• Tension with extended family

For each scenario you select, discuss:

• What would you most fear in that situation?
• What would you most need from your spouse?
• What would your spouse most need from you?

If God is sovereign and good, how does that shape your fears about the future?

Expectations are not wrong.

But when they are hidden, absolute, or tied to your identity, they can quietly erode unity.

Marriage will not meet every longing of your heart. It was never designed to. Only Jesus can carry that weight.

The more your hope is anchored in Christ, the freer you will be to love one another with grace.

"Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!"
‭‭- Proverbs 15: 23 (‭NLT‬‬)

If marriage is like a garden, communication is the water. Too little, and things wither. Too forceful, and things are damaged. But steady, life-giving communication creates growth. Few things will shape the health of your marriage more than how you speak, listen, and respond to one another.

No skill is more critical to your oneness than good communication! Poor communication, miscommunication, and the lack of communication will cause you enormous struggles as a couple. Pride, stubbornness, defensiveness, and anger will further keep you from the oneness you can enjoy as a husband and wife. Submission to God, honesty, openness, forgiveness, and good communication skills are essential for a healthy marriage. 

Poor communication doesn’t just create misunderstandings — it often reveals fear, insecurity, defensiveness, and self-protection. Good communication flows from humility, patience, and a desire to understand before being understood.

At its core, communication is not just about words — it is about the heart.

Jesus reminds us: “The words you speak come from the heart.” (Matthew 15:18)

Your communication patterns will expose what is ruling your heart — control, fear, pride, love, security, grace.

There are numerous subtleties in the communication process. People give off signals in many ways, and signals can be easily misread. You need to become skilled at giving clear communication signals to your spouse. You also need to work to understand your spouse’s signals. As your relationship matures, you will grow to better understand your spouse’s signals as you learn from your mistakes in this vital area of communication.

We can all use language differently. Some are generally more verbal than others. For some, the primary purpose of communication is to connect emotionally, when for others it is for the purpose of giving and receiving information.

Another common difference is that some of us like to discuss problems in order to process. Talking through problems allows us to vent frustrations, verbally work through the problem, and gain needed energy to face difficult situations. By contrast, if someone else is thinking or talking about a problem, it is because they are trying to solve it. One way is not right and the other wrong. They are simply different. The different approaches to problem-solving can become particularly challenging when a couple is facing a problem in their relationship. One may want to withdraw within themselves to mentally work through things, and the other may want to talk it out. You and your fiancé are unique. As a unique couple, it is vital to your relationship for you to work to understand each other and grow in the skill of communicating with each other!

Cherish your spouse! Work to communicate to your spouse how important he or she is to you. Words (verbal, non-verbal, and tone) have a great deal of power in your marriage! You can use words to create an environment for oneness in your marriage or to destroy one another and any hope for oneness.

When it comes to learning how to be emotionally present and caring in your marriage, it is helpful to start by making yourself aware of your similarities and differences. Make a list of your similarities and differences - as many as you can think of. Consider various areas such as personality, hobbies, interests, strengths, family background, church background, priorities, personal habits, decision making, neatness, need for closure, promptness, drive, education, flexibility, etc.

1. Which of these similarities and differences will have the greatest impact on your marriage?

2. What is communicated to your spouse if you try to change them?
3. How can you love one another well in your differences?
4. How does change occur in your life?

Vulnerability is essential for experiencing the best of intimacy in marriage. Vulnerability can be costly, and doesn’t come naturally for all of us, but it is absolutely worth it when given and received in love for one another. Trusting your spouse with your fears and failures, your hopes and plans is deeply personal, and can be a beautiful opportunity to reflect the goodness of God when met with grace and understanding. Because it is the relationship where you will spend the most time and invest the most effort, it makes sense for your marriage to be the relationship where your sin is most greatly exposed. This is a hard truth, that we often hurt the most those that we love the most. Being seen at your worst by the one you have vowed to cherish is humbling. Our capacity to love one another faithfully in these moments is enabled only by the power of the Holy Spirit at work in us, as we cling to the love and righteousness of Christ. To be heard, seen, understood and still loved in your marriage creates a security that can display the assurance we have in Jesus. 

It requires little vulnerability to share casual conversation and information with others. You increase the risk of vulnerability as you open up to offering your ideas, judgements, fears, values and hopes. Going even further looks like a willingness to expose your feelings and emotions, and a final step of vulnerability involves sharing on spiritual matters, including confession of sin, convictions from time with God in His Word, prayers for your sanctification and more. 

It would be helpful to discuss what levels of vulnerability you experience in your relationships, but particularly in your relationship with your fiancé. The Gospel gives you the security to be vulnerable. Because you are fully known and fully loved by Christ, you do not need to hide from one another. 

Identify barriers that you might have to being open and willing to share. It will be important to be aware of these in yourself and in your fiancé as soon as possible, so you can share the burden and then the joy of understanding and caring for each other, being a place of safety and support, and knowing how to most effectively encourage one another.

Conflict is not a sign your marriage is failing. It is a sign that two sinners are living closely together.
Disappointment and hurt will come. The question is not if — but when does, how you will respond. 

These times can be opportunities to grow, or traps that will keep you from growing in oneness, thus leading to distance and awkwardness in your marriage, if not open hostility. At times you may be tempted to respond in destructive ways. If you get into the routine of “keeping score” and rewarding or punishing one another, you will have many difficulties. Manipulative behaviour will destroy oneness. Prior to marriage, it is helpful to agree that sinful ways of responding to hurt and disappointment are harmful and to make a commitment to strive together towards being gracious and forgiving.

Unforgiveness is a cancer that will destroy you. “Unforgiveness is the poison you drink, hoping the other person will die!” You may feel justified in not extending forgiveness when you focus on the way you were wronged or how you have been hurt by your spouse. The more you insist on this line of defence, the more secure you become in your feelings of hurt or indignation. You will find people who will tell you that you should withhold forgiveness. However, unforgiveness will shatter any attempt to grow in oneness in your marriage. The way to break loose the logjam of unforgiveness is to focus on how you have been treated by God rather than how you have been hurt by your spouse.

The Gospel give us a better way; it calls us to reflect Jesus' love in the way we show grace to our spouse. The Bible says, “But God demonstrates his own for love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5: 8). God has responded to evil with sacrificial love displayed in Jesus Christ and by giving His Holy Spirit. God extends Himself to those who place their faith in Jesus Christ. Christ’s righteousness is credited to the believer, and the believer’s sin is charged to Christ’s account. If you were to get what you deserve from God, you would receive eternal condemnation. God does not owe you anything! Focus on how God has responded in Christ, and then draw near to Him and ask Him to change your heart so that you might love radically as he has loved! Dwelling on how you have been treated by another person rather than how you have been treated by God will lead to many struggles in your life and relationships.

To be clear, any patterns of mistreatment or abuse in marriage need to be handled with appropriate seriousness and care. They must not be minimised or excused. Any verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual misconduct within marriage is completely unacceptable and should be met with immediate and necessary action.

If there are patterns of behaviour in your marriage that are cause for concern, they must be brought into the light. The most likely first step would be raising concerns with your discipleship leader, but depending on severity and/or frequency, this may involve the pastoral team, or external authorities.

At Disciples Church, we are committed to protecting and advocating for those who are harmed. In Queensland, we are required to comply with mandatory reporting laws, and we do so willingly as part of our responsibility to protect the vulnerable.

Grace never protects sin at the expense of safety. 

If you ever feel unsafe, silenced, or controlled, speak up. The church exists to bring darkness into the light — not to conceal it.

There are many ways to handle conflict — but not all of them build oneness.

Some patterns erode trust and intimacy:

Unhelpful responses to conflict

• Bickering or nitpicking
• Avoiding or denying the issue
• Trying to “win”
• Giving in to keep the peace
• Giving up altogether

These approaches may create short-term relief, but they rarely produce long-term unity.

Marriage is not about defeating your opponent. It is about protecting your oneness.

In other relationships, you may sometimes need to win, concede, or disengage. But in marriage, those instincts can quietly damage intimacy. The goal is not victory — it is resolution. The aim is not control — it is understanding.

At times, compromise may help move things forward. But compromise alone is not the same as reconciliation. True resolution restores closeness.

Certain patterns are especially harmful in marriage:

• Walking out mid-argument to avoid dealing with the issue
• Escalating intensity in order to overpower
• Ridiculing, mocking, or belittling 
• Assuming the worst of your spouse 
• Speaking in absolutes (“You always…” “You don’t care…” “You’re trying to hurt me…”)

These behaviours communicate contempt, not care. And contempt is corrosive to intimacy.

Always remember: You are not fighting against each other. You are fighting for each other!

Healthy conflict requires intentionality. It doesn’t happen accidentally.

Here are practical steps that can help you move toward resolution:

1.Choose the right time.
Not when you are exhausted, rushed, or emotionally flooded.

2.Define the issue clearly.
What is actually being discussed? What would your spouse say the issue is?

3.Seek to understand before responding.
Ask questions. Reflect back what you heard.

4.Examine your own heart first.
What desires were frustrated? What expectations were unmet?
Where have you contributed to the tension?
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6)
Humility breaks deadlock.

5.Own your part specifically.
Not “I’m sorry if you felt hurt.”
But “I was defensive and dismissive. That was wrong.”

6.Ask for forgiveness clearly.
Not as a formality — but as repentance.

7.Make a plan for next time.
If this situation happens again, how will we respond differently?

Often, someone needs to take the first step. In that moment, leadership looks like humility.

Conflict is not just about clashing personalities. It is about clashing desires. When something blocks what we want — respect, comfort, control, affirmation — our hearts react.

The Gospel interrupts that cycle.

Because you have been forgiven much, you can forgive.
Because Christ absorbed the cost of your sin, you can absorb the discomfort of humility.
Because your identity is secure in Him, you do not need to win.

Conflict becomes redemptive when both people are more committed to Christlikeness than to being right.

A Question to Sit With 
In conflict, do you care more about being understood — or about understanding?

That one question will reveal much about the posture of your heart.

When conflict happens, the hardest part is often not identifying the issue — it’s moving forward afterwards.

One of you may want to resolve things quickly and move on. The other may need more time. Often, the slower partner is not trying to be difficult — they are looking for assurance. They want to know that they have truly been heard. They want confidence that the hurt has been understood, not minimised.

Real reconciliation requires more than a quick apology.
It requires repentance.

Repentance is not simply saying, “Sorry.”
It is a humble turning of the heart.

Thomas Watson helpfully outlined several marks of genuine repentance. Applied to marriage, they look like this:

Seeing your sin clearly
Owning your contribution without deflecting.

Sorrow over your sin
Not just sorrow over consequences — but over having hurt someone you love.

Confessing specifically
Naming attitudes, tone, assumptions, or words — without excuses.

Appropriate shame
Not self-condemnation, but a healthy recognition that sin is serious (Jeremiah 6:15).

Hating the sin itself
Desiring change, not just relief.

Turning from it
Taking practical steps so that patterns do not continue.

Marriage will require ongoing repentance. Not occasionally — but regularly. The more quickly and honestly you repent, the safer your marriage will feel.

Repentance only makes sense if we understand the seriousness of sin.

Jack Miller used to say,
“I am a big sinner and need a big Saviour.”

If you minimise your sin, you will minimise your need for grace. And if you minimise your need for grace, you will struggle to extend it to your spouse.

Paul David Tripp writes:

This is deeply important for marriage. Conflict often exposes how self-oriented we are.

We don’t just want resolution — we want our way.
We don’t just want peace — we want control.
We don’t just want love — we want our dream fulfilled.

But marriage is not primarily about fulfilling your dream. It is about being reshaped into the likeness of Christ.

You are not writing your own story. God is. And sometimes the path He takes you on will expose your selfishness, your impatience, your pride — not to shame you, but to transform you.

The Gospel means:

• You can face your sin honestly without fear.
• You can repent without being crushed.
• You can forgive without pretending it didn’t matter.
• You can trust that God is using even conflict to make you more like Jesus.

Conflict, then, is not just a problem to fix. It is an opportunity for sanctification.

1. When you are in conflict, what do you most instinctively protect — your reputation, your comfort, your control, your sense of being right, your security?
2. How do you typically respond when you realise you were wrong — minimise, justify, withdraw, deflect, apologise quickly, genuinely grieve?
3. Which step of repentance (seeing, sorrow, confessing specifically, hating the sin, turning) do you find most difficult? Why?
4. When your spouse confesses sin to you, what makes it easier for you to forgive? What makes it harder?
5. Where are you most tempted to believe that your happiness depends on your spouse changing rather than on Christ ruling your heart?
6. In a recent disagreement (or imagined future one), what would genuine humility have looked like?
7. How does remembering that you are a “big sinner in need of a big Saviour” reshape the way you approach conflict?

Conflict will do one of two things in your marriage: Expose your pride and harden your hearts, or expose your need for grace and deepen your intimacy.

The difference will not be your personality. It will not be your compatibility. It will be your humility.

The Gospel does not remove conflict. It removes the need to win. Because you are secure in Christ, you are free to confess quickly, forgive generously, and pursue reconciliation courageously.

When Jesus rules your heart, conflict becomes less about defending yourself — and more about becoming like Him.

“Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.”
- Matthew 6:21

Money is one of the most common sources of tension in marriage.

But money itself is not the core issue. Our hearts are.

Many people say that finances (along with sexual intimacy) are the hardest areas in marriage. But underneath both of those is something deeper — oneness.

Oneness is the real issue.

When oneness is strong, finances tend to be handled with unity, trust, and generosity. When oneness is strained, money quickly becomes a point of tension, frustration, or even conflict.

Finances don’t create problems — they reveal them.

Money has a way of exposing what is already going on beneath the surface: your values, your fears, your expectations, your sense of security, and ultimately, what you trust.

You and your fiancé will not come into marriage with identical views on money.

You will have been shaped by different:

• family experiences
• levels of financial pressure or freedom
• habits around spending and saving
• attitudes toward debt, generosity, and lifestyle

None of that is wrong — but it does need alignment.

It is important that you begin to form a shared approach to money that is shaped not just by preference or upbringing, but by biblical conviction.

This won’t happen overnight.

Even if you agree on principles now, it will take time to learn how to live them out together. The first few months of marriage are often a learning curve as you figure out rhythms, expenses, and expectations.

The goal is not to get everything perfect straight away.
The goal is to grow toward unity.

That means avoiding two common extremes:

• Overcorrecting — trying to lock everything down too tightly, too quickly
• Avoiding it altogether — putting off important conversations and decision.

Wisdom sits in the middle — intentional, patient, and growing together.

At the heart of this is a deeper question:

What does money mean to you?

Does it represent:

• security?
• freedom?
• comfort?
• success?
• control?

Money is never just about money. Before money becomes a practical issue, it is a heart issue.

Jesus consistently teaches that money is not neutral — it competes for your heart.

“Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” (Matthew 6:21)

Money cannot give you identity.
It cannot give you lasting security.
It cannot give you ultimate satisfaction.

Only Jesus can do that.

When money becomes more than a tool — when it becomes something you rely on for meaning or stability — it begins to function as a rival to God.

Jesus also makes it very clear that money does not define a person’s worth.

Jesus Christ was the most significant person who has ever lived — and yet He lived with very little. He taught that life is more than possessions, and He embodied that truth completely. At His death, He owned almost nothing.

That cuts across so much of what our culture believes.

We live in a world that quietly tells us:

• more money = more freedom
• more money = more significance
• more money = more security

But the Gospel tells a different story.

Your worth is not found in what you have.
Your security is not found in what you earn.
Your identity is not shaped by your financial position.
Money can give you options — but it cannot give you meaning.

It can make certain aspects of life easier — but it cannot give you peace, contentment, or lasting joy.

Only Christ can do that.

That’s why finances in marriage are not just about budgeting well — they are about trusting God together.

When your hope is rooted in Christ, money becomes a tool, not a master.

And when that happens, your finances can become a place of unity, generosity, and worship — rather than tension and division.

The Bible does not say money is the problem. It warns us about what happens when our hearts attach themselves to it.

Contentment is not found in having more, but in trusting God with what you have.

That doesn’t mean finances don’t matter. They do. But they must be handled with wisdom, humility, and perspective.

You are not owners — You Are Stewards.  Everything you have has been entrusted to you by God.

Money will not just test your budgeting skills. It will test your trust.

It will reveal whether your hope is in what you have — or in the God who provides.

When your security is rooted in Christ, money becomes a tool, not a master.

And when that happens, your finances can become a place of unity, generosity, and worship — not tension.

Sexual intimacy is one of God’s good gifts within marriage.

It is deeply personal, deeply powerful, and deeply connected to your relationship as a whole. For many couples, this is an area of excitement — and also an area of uncertainty, expectation, or even anxiety.

That’s normal.

Like finances, sexual intimacy doesn’t exist in isolation. It is closely connected to the overall health of your relationship. Oneness, trust, communication, and emotional connection will all shape your experience of physical intimacy.

Sex is not just physical.
It is relational, emotional, and spiritual.

Sexual intimacy is not something humanity invented.
It is something God designed.

He created us male and female.
He created marriage.
And He placed sexual intimacy within that covenant relationship for our good.

Scripture shows us that sex in marriage has multiple purposes:

• Procreation — children being brought into a loving, committed family
• Pleasure — enjoyment as a good gift from God
• Connection — expressing love, unity, and oneness

Sex does not create oneness on its own — but it can express and deepen it.

When a relationship is marked by love, trust, and unity, sexual intimacy becomes a powerful way of communicating that oneness.

But when there is distance, unresolved conflict, or lack of trust, sexual intimacy can become strained or confusing.

This probably doesn't need to be said, but just for total clarity: you are not the same. And that is a beautiful part of God's intentional design.

Men and women often experience sexual intimacy differently — physically, emotionally, and relationally.

These differences are not problems to fix.
They are realities to understand.

For many couples:

• One person may connect more quickly physically
• The other may need emotional closeness to engage physically
• One may be more spontaneous
• The other may need time, safety, and intentionality

Neither is right or wrong.

But if these differences are not understood, they can easily lead to frustration, misunderstanding, or hurt.

Healthy sexual intimacy requires:

• Patience
• Communication
• Selflessness
• A willingness to learn with one another

This is not something you “get right” immediately.
It is something you grow in over time.

Sexual intimacy is not just about desire — it is about love.

It is not about taking — it is about giving.
It is not about performance — it is about connection.

1 Corinthians 7 reminds us that husband and wife belong to one another in a mutual, self-giving way.

That means:

• You seek your spouse’s good, not just your own satisfaction
• You communicate openly and honestly
• You grow in understanding what helps the other feel loved and safe

Sex is not meant to be used as:

• A reward
• A punishment
• A tool for control

When intimacy becomes transactional, oneness is damaged.

Sexual intimacy will reflect the health of your relationship.

If there is:

• Distance
• Unresolved conflict
• Lack of trust
• Emotional disconnection

…it will often show up here.

At the same time, when there is:

• Grace
• Safety
• Communication
• Affection

…sexual intimacy can flourish.

The goal is not just a healthy sex life.

The goal is a healthy marriage where intimacy naturally grows.

You are not expected to know everything.

Sexual intimacy is something you learn together over time.

That includes:

• Understanding one another’s preferences
• Learning how your bodies work
• Growing in communication
• Being patient with each other

There are helpful resources available that can assist in understanding the physical aspects of intimacy, and it can be wise to seek those out if needed.

Conscience and Conviction (Contraception)

Couples should take time to think carefully about contraception and family planning. This is an area where you will need to form shared convictions shaped by Scripture, wisdom, and conscience. Some forms of contraception raise ethical questions, and it is important to approach this thoughtfully and prayerfully.

The goal is not uniformity with others — but unity between you.

For some, the beginning of your marriage may not mark the beginning of your sexual experiences. This may or may not bring about some difficulties within your marriage that are worth addressing.

First and foremost, it is important to highlight the glorious grace available to us in the Gospel. Christ’s work of redemption in us is complete. There is no sin committed by us or against us that cannot be forgiven and covered by His mercy towards us. 1 John 1: 9 assures us, “But if we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

While we are free in Christ from the punishment for our sins, there may be consequences of our own sin, or the sin of others against us that may impact our marriages. It would be wise for us not to be naive about this possibility, and to be prepared and equipped to face the issues this situation might cause with sensitivity and Gospel confidence. Let’s consider a few scenarios, and some discussion questions that will hopefully contribute towards healthy, God-honouring marriages with open communication and trust. 

You may have been sexually active in ways you regret with your fiancé. Scripturally, it is clear that sexual intercourse and certain aspects of sexual intimacy should be confined to the bounds of the marriage relationship. To engage in these activities before marriage takes place is to sin against God, and against each other. In this case, couples may struggle to participate in a healthy sex-life post-marriage without experiencing shame or guilt. It’s necessary to confess your sin to one another and God, and to seek forgiveness in order to move forward together in repentance. 

You may have been sexually active in the past with someone other than your fiancé. This could mean anything from an addiction to pornography to a long term sexual relationship. The repercussions from this could be long term and require a lot of grace to work through together. Receiving forgiveness from God and your fiancé is a vital step. This may be an ongoing process, as either shame, or insecurity can creep in if you’re not willing to engage with each other on this topic. 

You may have been the victim of sexual trauma or abuse. This sin committed against you is particularly heinous and grieves God immensely. The ongoing reality of this experience can affect you in many and various ways - and it is often helpful to seek out wise and professional counsel to help with the process of healing. This could mean seeing a counsellor, psychologist, or receiving Biblical Counselling, which is available at DC. If you are marrying someone who has been sexually mistreated, you will likely experience a unique pain of your own. You will need to process your own hurt and move towards forgiveness, while supporting your spouse in seeking theirs. Your sexual relationship may take time and require understanding, gentleness and patience before it can be experienced in the way God intended. 

Sexual intimacy is not just about physical connection.

It is about expressing and deepening the unity God has created.

When shaped by the Gospel, it becomes:

• Self-giving rather than self-seeking
• Safe rather than pressured
• Joyful rather than burdensome

It is not something you master.

It is something you grow in — together.